Funny joke!

[JJH]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . . . ..

[JJH]

A man came walking up to his grandparent's house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said,"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

[JJH]

THREE LITTLE BOYS were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school.

So they went to the nearest church. But, only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "You are now baptized!"

When they got outside, one of them asked, "'What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"
They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you think that means?"

"I think it means we're Pisskopailians !"

[JJH]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller,
and without missing a beat, she says: 'Well, that's great....that's just great....

Some asshole's got my pen!'

[JJH]

'An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married,so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry'

So they were wed right away . Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her.'

[JJH]

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing.

While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, ' Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, 'What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!'

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

[JJH]

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon " and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman then replies '"Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies "Aye that is true but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

[JJH]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari.

[JJH]

An old retired seaman named Luxton puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

[JJH]

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked him one

Like his mother used to do.